I write this baring in mind that things change and there are greater forces at work than those we assume exist. I have made an assumption of the way humans behave and act with others.

I planned to spend thanksgiving alone but instead i find that my time was spent with my family. Lately i've been feeling down about things, specially the holidays. I didn't intend on having any fun or even being there because i feel i don't belong in the family. I stand back and look at my family and see that they all fit together as a whole but whenever i come in...i'm the piece that never fits no matter what i do. Perhaps it's because i'm being initiated from kid to adult or maybe it's just because of me. For a while now, i've felt i don't belong anywhere and i've been looking for places i can belong to. Everyone wants to fit somewhere, but i don't fit anywhere in this world!

Much to my surprise, i ended up laughing and remenising with the rest of the group and we ate so much of my aunt's cooking! I've found that even though i might not belong, i'm loved just the same. I truely believe myself a mistake and a burden to my family even if none of them will admit it. I'm treated like a fool in their home and contained like a dog. So why do the holidays change people and their actions towards others? I believe it's the feeling that comes with said holidays that makes others treat you different. For some, i admit, there is no change. However doesn't it strike you odd that people set aside things to be happy and loving until it's all over? Then they go back to the way things were before and you feel as if it was a waste! I found myself happy and open with everyone but only to find that it truely does come onc a year...least i have something to look forward to next year.

Christmas is going to be different. I am set to be alone on that night and i want it to stay that way, the way it was meant to be!